Tuning In to the Frequency of Self-Love
When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up four years ago, I was devastated. I remained attached to him in unhealthy ways that negatively affected me, him and close mutual friends. I was broke, alone in my mourning, and felt abandoned. I remember crying so hard one night I vomited. This went on for months. Summer turned into autumn, and then into the inevitable darkness of winter. I spent that long winter in a basement apartment, isolated and lonely, with spotty internet service and my two cats. It was not pretty.
Winter dragged on. Then one day at work, this thought struck me: "I don't want to be a victim of my own life anymore." I'm not sure where that thought came from, and more than that, I wasn't even sure what it meant. I just knew that things were bleak, and I was no longer willing to go on that way. On New Year's, I made just one resolution: to create a year of 'Radical Self-Love'. I didn't know what that meant or looked like, either. And maybe it sounded super corny, but I didn't care.
That spring, I moved out of the basement to a top floor apartment that was full of light. Ironically, I had lived in this exact apartment once before, prior to moving in with my now-ex-boyfriend. It was as if this move was an act of empowerment, something I chose for myself, and not out of desperation to find a place to land. I joined a meditation group, which spiritually nourished me and provided new community and a sense of belonging. I dedicated myself to my healing and process of self-love, and began to experience a sense of well-being that would percolate up through all of the pain and grief that had been my baseline for so long. It felt good. So I began to consciously attune to that feeling in my meditations; I would visualize an old fashioned radio dial and I would 'tune in' to that frequency of well-being.
As the weather began to warm up and the world started to awaken, I did too. I went for long walks, feeling alive in my body, and awake in my senses. One warm June morning, I found myself literally stopping to smell an ancient rosebush that was bursting with fuchsia colored blooms. I felt a sense of deep gratitude and joy radiating from me.
Later that afternoon, I had an appointment with a spiritual intuitive, a woman I had seen intermittently in the aftermath of the breakup. As I walked into her office, she remarked: "Wow! I'm feeling new love energy from you! Is there a new partner in your life?"
And you know what? There was no one else. Just me. I felt the truth of feeling in love, only it was ME who was the object of my love. I had never experienced this before. It felt luscious and sexy, I felt lit up from the inside, and overflowing with awe and inspiration. I felt, you know, in love.
Knowing what I know from coaching through a positive psychology lens, what I was doing was shifting my brain chemistry and my frequency through the experience of 'elevated' emotions. The intentional practice of generating emotions like gratitude and joy started to transform my inner landscape from the negative emotions that perpetuated a stressful state of fight-or-flight, to calm state of being that literally felt like love.
I continue to practice tuning in to that state every day. And I'm not going to present you with a fairy tale "I learned to love myself and I found my life partner right away!" takeaway. Nope.
I actually spent the following two years intentionally single. In love with myself and creating experiences in my life that continued to nurture and foster that love, expand my capacity for pleasure and joy. I continued to meet and interact with other amazing humans that helped me grow on that path. When I did meet my current partner, I felt more whole and healthy than I ever had, and this relationship reflects that.
I love that I learned how to generate radical self-love and it's welcomed sidekick: empowerment. It is a practice that I cultivate and grow from every day. And sure, I have shitty days, just like everyone else. But now it's easier for me to have awareness of what's going on that has me in a low frequency state, attend to it, and take care of myself in healthy ways.
The beauty of this is that there is very little in our external world that we get to be in control of, but here in your internal world, you have choice. You get to be in control. You get to take charge. It can be scary, too, all of this responsibility. It can be hard. You can do it yourself if you like, but you don't have to. Sometimes it can be helpful to have a coach guide you on this path. If you're ready to take that next step into self-love on your way to creating healthy relationships in your life, and you need a little extra support to get there, I would love to guide you in that process.