Men's Inner Work Series 1: Liberation from Brooding
There are a lot of women who want men to be more open, vulnerable, emotionally available. I think men want this too. And it’s no question that men can tend to disconnect, brood, and try to handle their emotions on their own in isolation.
To the partner, it can be unpredictable and feel threatening to the relationship.
To the man, it’s a lonely place of suffering where negative stories are reinforced.
This is my exploration in re-connecting to yourself in those moments, using them wisely, and reaching back out to your partner with a sense of aliveness.
Why do we disconnect and brood?
All of my male life I’ve felt I had to handle things in isolation. For various reasons it’s always felt like reaching out to others isn’t safe. Other men can be harsh, insensitive, just tell you to walk it off. And women say they want you to be open, but often what this ends up feeling like is “I want you to be open with your loving feelings, but your more difficult feelings (like anger for example) are too threatening”.
So it’s a safe place to go. Inside. Alone. Where no one will judge me for being angry, frustrated, or other more challenging feelings. If I disconnect, I can come back out of that in a few days and everything will be fine.
What actually happens when I’m brooding.
Michael Singer, in The Untethered Soul talks about these low energy cycles we can dip into. He writes that once it starts, the cycle actually has to run it’s course. So in one way, if you let your energy get too low, you will dip into your stories, and like falling off a wave while surfing, you’ll be tumbled around in the undertow until it runs it’s course. For me this is usually 2 or 3 days of misery. No fun.
Prevention: Always the best medicine
So how do we prevent these low energy cycles and the brooding associated with it? This is where our inner work comes into play. We really have to use awareness to notice when we are closing our energy off, or when our energy starts to go south, funky, feel off. We need real skills in place to catch that and bring it back.
We don’t want to be a person ruled by our emotions. If we want to get ‘manly’ about it, we could say it’s weak to succumb to emotions instead of using our skilled mind to navigate ourselves back responsibly.
So here’s an opening practice that can help you get back on track. You can do this anywhere. On the bus, in a meeting. In an argument.
Using your awareness, feel into your body. Notice any places that feel tense, closed, agitated, off.
Think about that spot in your body opening more. If you can physically open it, open and stretch. (Sit up / open the chest, etc).
If you have the freedom to, put a hand on the spot to help focus there.
Breath into, and feel openness into that spot and into your whole body.
Move to another spot that feels off. Do the same.
Re-engage conversation after you feel more open and relaxed.
This simple idea of opening and closing can be used constantly. It’s quite amazing how you’ll start to notice this in small ways during even a minor disagreement with your partner. Little adjustments along the way help prevent closing off and will help you feel connected.
Liberation from the Brooding cycle
You’re not always going to prevent your low energy cycles. So what do you do once you dip and are riding out that dark undertow of misery?
Two main types: Angry and Self Loathing
Self Loathing will say “I’m not good enough”, “She doesn’t love me”, “I’m always taken advantage of” and you will want to hold onto that negative image of yourself.
Angry will say “Why does he/she always do X”, “She never listens to me”, “I just want X to happen” and will want to hold out until you get “the love you deserve” .
Your negative stories are going to come out. Allow those to be there, set those off to the side a bit, and just know they aren’t true. Or even if they are true, they actually have simple remedies that will become apparent as you do the work.
Redirect your attention to other things you might be feeling in your life (I have evidence of lots of love in my life, my friends support me, I love how great I am at design). This is “Parts Work”. Honoring all your parts and nourishing the positive ones as much as the negative ones.
Know that nothing your partner does will be as effective at helping you feel loved as your own inner work and your own attempts to reconnect. This is SUPER HARD! You’re going to want someone to save you, tell you they love you. Often, it feels like even if they do, it pushes you further into disconnection. This is because the energy got stuck with you and your stories, not your partner, and you have to move that energy back out to them. Know your ego wants you to sit and sulk, and you are better than your ego. Make a very clear attempt to repair with your partner, physically, verbally and emotionally. You WILL feel better if you do, and that energy will start cycling again.
Know that those stories will be there until you have steel boundaries for yourself and start making the positive things happen in your life. You’ll either keep sabotaging things around you with your energy and actions, or you’ll start to take real steps toward the successes that you imagine. Again, this is incredibly hard! Go easy on yourself, but keep steady action and awareness in the right direction.
Know that you might not be able to feel like things will ever be good again. But, look back at all the times you’ve come out of these dips and reconnected with yourself and others. It’s temporary and you will have a fully different perspective soon enough. Don’t identify with this state. Identify as “I’m a person going through something temporary and I’m not going to hold onto this”.
Communicate to your partner that you’re in a low energy state. Let them know you need some time alone for inner work so that you can reconnect to them. Let them know they are free from trying to save you / fix you / repair you.
If there are things you want to specifically ask for so that they can help hold a supportive container for your growth ask them, but do not ask for them to fix anything about themselves, and also know they have no obligation as your partner to coddle your emotional growth. If they are in a positive space, they can hold a supportive container for your growth by doing things like allowing you space, listening to you process some of your growth, holding you if you feel sad.
Resources:
The following books I’ve found especially helpful in dealing with this topic.