3 Step Guide to Managing Triggers
What happens when we get 'triggered'?
Our brains perceive a 'threat', usually something from our past, which creates a nervous system response designed to keep us alive in the face of danger. The ancient part of our brain responsible for 'survival at all costs' shuts off the relatively more modern 'rational' part of our brain. In this state, we are primed for fighting, fleeing, or freezing. Not the optimal state for creating more loving awareness in your relationship!
Here is a 3-step guide to caring for yourself in moments of trigger!
Remember! Practice, practice, practice. This is a very primitive response, but with our modern understanding and a handful of tools, you can harness the power to evolve and awaken to your true self.
Step 1: Notice.
Pay attention to changes in yourself when you're having a conversation/interaction with a partner or lover.
Are you suddenly feeling: irritated? checked out? angry? confused? overwhelmed?
Notice your body. Do you feel tightness/clenching/heaviness anywhere in your gut, stomach, heart? Jaw clenched? Hot? Shoulders creeping up or feeling tight? Increased heart rate? Decreased peripheral vision (often referred to as tunnel vision)?
This is what it is to be TRIGGERED.
Step 2: Pause!!!!
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
-Victor Frankl
The pause is the critical moment where we get to put theory into practice.
This is the moment when you recognize and choose your actions. When you exercise choice, you harness your own power.
Step 3: Practice.
Breathe: Take deeper breaths, at least 5 of them. Do this: slow your exhale down. Try pursing your lips as if you were breathing out through a straw. Let your exhale out all the way, slowly. This activates the parasympathetic (calming) aspect of your nervous system.
Communicate: "I'm noticing sensations/feelings/thoughts right now that feel challenging. I might need a minute." This can be helpful for both you and your partner to be able to recognize and name what is happening. This also gives your partner the opportunity to utilize their own skills of awareness, holding space, and helping you remember what skills you might want to practice in the moment.
Take a break if needed and do one or more of the following:
Move your body: Different things work for different people (and depending on where you are and your available space).
Shake your body vigorously or jump up and down, until you feel the energy of the trigger start to 'move through'.
Go for a vigorous walk.
Roll around on the floor, clenching and unclenching your whole body in slow cycles.
Push against the wall steadily, and feel your feet pressing in to the floor. If seated, press your feet into the floor, and press your hands into your legs.
Take a hot bath.
Journal.
BONUS Step! RESUME.
Only resume once both of you feel like you have returned to your calm, rational self. See Hot Tips below for more info.
Hot Tips: Familiarize yourself with this process and ways you can resource yourself in a moment of trigger.
-Remember: your nervous system is having a reaction to an experience from your past.
-Commit ahead of time to practicing these techniques in a moment of trigger.
-If one or both of you need to take a break, set a time that feels good for both of you to pick the conversation back up (if necessary). For challenging topics that need more conversation, it's helpful to know that there is a commitment to revisiting the topic when everyone is feeling calm and clear (ie: not triggered). Whether that is 15 minutes, 3 hours, 24 hours, or a week from now, set the container.
-Be gentle with yourself and/or your partner when you practice this. You won't get it right every time, but with awareness and commitment, you can learn relational mastery.
Check out my Facebook Live on this topic with Pierre Bouchard, a somatic psychotherapist:
Understanding Triggers for Relational Mastery